|I finally took the plunge and started recording video, with the idea that good enough is good enough, and I can get more professional and proficient over time.|
|Here is a video on “Rupture and Repair” and how that process is different for people with developmental trauma than for people who had a solid landing in life.|
|And, on a different topic than what I talk about in the video, this week I had a real “I get knocked down, but I get up again” experience. |
I was in an intensive retreat for three days this week, and I also had an appointment at the end of each of those three days. The retreat was one of those “dig deep and make contact with your vision and what’s in your way” sort of spaces, so a lot got stirred up.
Plus for me, one of the developmental trauma effects that is still very much present is an unconscious fear and discomfort in connecting with other people, especially in groups.
One morning during the retreat I had a dream where I was in a physical gathering and my name was called to do something, to in some way be the center of attention.
In response to the dream, I spent some moments just feeling into what it’s like for me to be in a room (physical or virtual) full of people. I have some dread, the sense that I need to work hard to perform adequately, to measure up. And that I need to take care to avoid social mistakes, but that they are inevitable because I really don’t know what I’m doing.
Given all of that, it makes sense that I felt worn out after the retreat. But I didn’t just feel worn out. I felt chewed up. I was feeling shame and confusion and fear. I was feeling like “I just don’t know what I’m doing, I can’t do this, I’m not really capable.”
Intense difficult feelings. And here’s the good news:
Throughout that experience, I was able to maintain a witness within myself that knew none of it was true. I was able to feel awful and shameful and ground up and still have a solid part of me that knew that I am competent and skilled and that I have important gifts to bring.
So despite feeling crappy, I didn’t generate a fight with my partner and I didn’t spiral down into the depths of Doom. I just feel bad and then got a good night’s sleep, and felt fairly ok in the morning.
One of the biggest skills we need to learn as people with developmental trauma is to just know that the doom and gloom messages that show up when we feel bad are simply not the truth no matter how compelling the messages feel and no matter how bad we feel.
So that is my success story for this week. And here is one of my audio recordings that might be helpful in navigating when the doom and gloom messages show up. It’s called “Holding and Releasing Fear”; it includes being held my the Earth with great support and tenderness.
|What new flowers are sprouting or blossoming in your life this spring? What are you nurturing and tending and celebrating?|
As always, take good care of yourself and your beloveds.
And as always, thank you for who you are and what you do to care for the larger world.
With Appreciation and Respect,