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I’ve had a difficult few weeks – physical discomfort, intense procrastination patterns, unease: moderately intense post-traumatic stress.

Last weekend I completed the second Somatic Experiencing class session, Beginning II. It was a good class, and I felt more regulated at the end of it than when I started. But even then I did not feel great, more like “pretty much ok”.

My realization today is that the discomfort of post-traumatic stress is not going to go away quickly or easily. I should already know that. But my focus has been around finding various tools, resources, approaches to make that discomfort go away. That’s a reasonable approach but I’m thinking that it may not be enough. Because the discomfort is not going to go away quickly, so in addition to trying to get rid of it, I also need to work out how to live with it in a way that works better than what I have done so far.

Continue reading “Making Friends with the Discomfort”

I didn’t feel so bad this morning, likely because I took my supplements last night for the first time in several days. So why don’t I make a point of taking the supplements every day if they help me to feel better?

I came across some reasons in my post-sleep study. Note that I’m not saying they are valid, just that they are there.

Feeling better doesn’t fix anything, it just obscures it.

Continue reading “Why Do I Forgo Self-care?”

I finally got up – it’s almost noon. I’ve been lying in bed trying to process. Asking how can I feel good about my life? How can I have a day where it feels like I am ok? Yes there is a lot about my life that is difficult, frustrating, maddening and out of my control. But what I was feeling into is that even if all of those things were gone that I still would not feel ok.

There IS a lot that is outside of me, but what is inside me is still a huge problem.

I have the sense that I want to somehow move through my day in slow motion. I don’t yet have the concepts around what that means, what it would do, how it relates to things. It feels like if I could move in slow motion then I could remain connected to myself. If I move fast or even at a normal pace I lose myself and become the task or activity.

If I move at a normal pace I lose myself. If I relate to another person, I also lose myself.

Continue reading “How to Stay Connected with My Self?”

I am angry about something. It’s something that it makes sense to me that I would be angry about, something I can’t change or influence, something that I believe is counter-productive or destructive. The question: “Is it really accurate that I can’t change or influence this in any way” is always a fair question. In this case, the answer is something like “Maybe but not really or not easily, not enough that trying to effect change is an effective way to be with my anger.”

Continue reading “Anger. What to do? What does it want? Self-processing”

This piece is my journaling and self-processing through a fairly intense activation. The content is real time content as I recorded it, edited a bit for my privacy.

Yesterday I was quiet – reclusive – difficulty with interacting – ended up hiding in puzzles for hours – also ate chocolate. Day before was a good day – I felt safe – I went to bed feeling less wired than has happened in a long time. My story was that I dropped down to a different level of settling and have gotten in touch with a new layer of stuff.

Today right now I feel really activated. I ran into a bit of a conflict and I feel like I have no resources to manage a conflict – or any other challenge. I feel stripped raw. That’s a post-traumatic activated feeling. So here is an opportunity – I’m right there in the soup. So I can try things and see what works. But I don’t want to try anything. I just want to curl up in a corner.

Continue reading “Self-processing – old stuff”

One of the things that I notice getting in the way of my productivity, creativity, and sense of peace is the pressure to meet the expectations of other people around me, pressure that is based on expectations that I am making up.

I started this blog with the intention of capturing my ideas, insights and observations related to the healing of trauma, through doing – or attempting to do – my own personal trauma healing work. I figured that some of the things I observe and discover may be useful to others.

Continue reading “My thoughts about your expectations”

In a healthy state, I will continuously be engaged in Self-expression, Self-protection, and Self-care.

I can calibrate the amount of attention that my self-protection and self-care require, and I will be consciously aware of the signals that come from my body, indicating specific needs for protection and care.

When I am in a post-traumatic state (which means most of us to at least some extent), several gaps are introduced into this process:

Continue reading “Thoughts on navigating a post-traumatic life”

Editor’s note – July 2020

I wrote out this protocol when I was a squeaky brand new student of Somatic Experiencing. I was really excited about the potential for renegotiating trauma, and excited that I was getting some benefit even working on my own.

Continue reading “Eradicating Trauma Zombies”