Right Here
I am right here.
The tender scared vulnerable me is right here.
The wise grounded connected me is right here.
My animal body is right here.
The resourceful me is right here.
In all of my fear and all of my courage, I am right here.
In all of my life force and all of my fatigue, I am right here.
In all that I remember and all that I forget, I am right here.
Even though it feels like I don’t know who I am, I am right here.
I am right here.
Standing tall and cradled in the arms of the Universe.
I had a realization this week that throughout my life I haven’t had a solid reference point for myself. That is, I haven’t had a sense of “This is me! I am me! I know who I am!” Instead, I’ve created the outlines and characteristics of myself in response to whatever was around me. I know this is common, I witness this experience in many of my clients.
This week I attached the label of “depersonalization” to my experience. I’m not sure that’s the right label but it seems like it’s at least partly on point. Whatever scene I am in, I’m aware that I’m part of the scene, but I can’t quite find a sense of my independent existence outside of the scene I’m in.
Like many of my clients, I have exquisitely worked around this weirdness forever. But wouldn’t it be nice to be able to just comfortably, easily find a sense of “me”?
That’s where this content came from. My working theory is that I actually am here and I actually am somebody. And the feeling that I can’t find myself is false. It seems like I can’t find myself but I was right here all along.