Acknowledging the Difficulty, part 1
There is more disorganization and distress in me than I have allowed myself to be aware of.
That’s ok and normal. It is an integral element of developmental trauma that we continue to hide from ourselves the scope of our hidden suffering.
I invite the layers of myself to soften. To feel more deeply, to know more deeply just how difficult it has been to navigate life to this point. I invite the knowing, the remembering, the feeling, at whatever pace is safe enough for my system to hold. As I hold even the idea of fear and suffering, I know that I am loved and that ultimately I am safe and ok, despite the actual physical risks in this physical life.
There is a fear in me that if I know or feel how disorganized and distressed I really am, that I will explode or disintegrate. That can feel true, and it might have been true when I was very young and did not have resources and support. It is not true now.
There is a fear in me that if I admit how disorganized and distressed I really am, that it will mean I’m not worthy, I’m not capable, and I have nothing to offer.
That feels insistent and intense but it is also not true.
In fact, the navigation of this profoundly challenging path has left me with amazing gifts, that are no less amazing as I allow myself to see more of the breadth and depth of these challenges.
With humility and awe, I am willing to see more and more clearly just what difficulties are held in this body, in my lineage, and in this world where there is so much suffering.