Appreciating
Appreciate each other at least once a day. At the end of the day, tell your partner three things you appreciate, either about something current or something more long-standing. “I really appreciate your listening to me earlier this evening” is one example. But so is “You have always had the most beautiful eyes.”
Develop “an attitude of gratitude.” Throughout the day, notice and shift all victim thinking. If you don’t like something, change it, leave it, or embrace it. If you choose to neither change nor leave, then own your choice and appreciate the good qualities in the situation.
Cherishing
Cherishing is the deliberate cultivation of your capacity to take pleasure in and celebrate what you have. Cherishing your partner’s progress by giving them specific positive feedback is the best way to engender more of the behaviors you’d like. You cherish your relationship by making time for it, putting energy into it, and by giving your partner gifts in word and deed that demonstrate your care. You cherish yourself through active self-care. You cherish your commitment to continued growth and relationship practice by becoming partners-in-health, sharing information and inspiration. And you cherish abundance by stepping into your particular passions and gifts with no attempt to either own or disown them, but rather, with joy and respect for your own success and a wish to contribute to the world.
Remembering Love
Remember you’re speaking to make things better, not to push your partner further away. Speak with loving firmness not harshness.
Before you speak, ask yourself: What is the thing I am about to say going to feel like to the person I am speaking to?
Making requests
Make requests not complaints: Reframe complaints – or demands – as requests to invite a better response from your partner. Make your requests specific, behavioral, and reasonable.
Contracting
Making explicit contracts protects you, the contractor, in two ways by:
- Making it difficult for the other person to take a victim position since they’ve agreed to the contract
- Making each other’s expectations and commitments clear
Contracts always concern behaviors, not attitudes or feelings, and are best when they are specific and close-ended.
CNI and CNI busting behaviors
With your partner, draw up a list of CNI-confirming and CNI-busting behaviors—behaviors that are like or very much unlike your partner’s negative expectations, or core negative image, of you. This list serves as your relationship compass, as specific operating instructions for how best to please your partner. Decrease CNI-confirming behaviors and increase CNI-busting behaviors.
Note that changing your behaviors is not an acknowledgment of wrongdoing in your former behaviors; rather, it is an act of generosity to make life easier for your partner, which is also in your best interest.
Dead Stop Contract
A dead-stop contract is an agreement to interrupt the vicious cycle of CNI-meets-CNI. The agreement goes like this: “If I feel, rightly or wrongly, that you are behaving in ways that reinforce my CNI of you—if I feel, for instance, that old, horrible feeling of being bossed around by you—I will signal a dead-stop. And you promise in advance that if you hear that signal, understanding that your behavior is CNI-triggering, you will come to a dead stop—whether you agree with my perception or not.”
When you use a dead-stop contract, nothing short of physical safety takes precedence over your goal of stopping your repetitive pattern, no matter what you think of your partner’s perception or motivation.
Boundary practice
Take a moment to visualize setting your boundaries at the beginning of each day. Throughout the day, take a moment to reset them through visualization. Take stock of where you might be at a given moment and make a correction, if necessary, softening walls and strengthening appropriate containment and protection. Avoid all boundary-violating behaviors by staying on your side of the line. Speak from the “I,” not the “you” or the “it.” Remember, there is nothing that you need to say that cannot be said from the “I” with practice.
Coming to Center
Use the relationship grid to provide a snapshot of where you are, and correct for any imbalance by doing self-esteem and boundary work.
Cultivating a sense of abundance
In both ordinary moments and, especially, in moments of upset, stop, either look down or close your eyes for a few seconds, and breathe. Feel the sweetness of a good, deep breath. Feel the warmth or coolness of the air on your skin. Feel the beauty of your surroundings, the sun, or the sight of trees outside the window. Remember that your life is abundant, that this moment is abundant, and that a particular disruption in your relationship or your circumstances will not take that abundance away.
Daring to rock the boat
In even the healthiest of relationships, getting what you want often involves assertively going after it. If something is important to you, and your partner doesn’t “get it,” you may need to stand up for your wants and needs by fighting for them. This means being willing to behave in ways that your partner will be uncomfortable with—acting as unhappy as you are about the issue and, while remaining moderate and respectful, not backing down.
Self-esteem practice
Check to see where you are—one-down, one-up, or same-as—and correct if necessary. In your mind’s eye, reach down if you are in a toxic shame state and visualize pulling yourself up into your body so that you look squarely out of your eyes at the other person, from a level, same-as, position. In your mind’s eye, reach up if you are in a grandiose state and visualize pulling yourself down into your body so that you are looking squarely at the other person, from a level, same-as, position.
Meeting immaturity with maturity
On those occasions when your partner is obviously operating from an immoderate, childish part of himself, hunker down, and stay moderate yourself. Try two or three times to help your partner reseat himself in his or her wise adult self, as in, “Honey, I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean to put you down. All I meant was…” If, after a few such efforts, it becomes clear that your partner is simply behind a wall and not listening, politely and respectfully disengage. Don’t bother getting indignant or hurt but also stop banging your head against the wall. Don’t argue, reason, or cajole. Just let go and give your partner space to figure it out.
Smart generosity
Giving your partner more of what they’re asking for by asking yourself, “What will giving this cost me?” Things that aren’t difficult to give but that mean a lot to your partner, such as remembering an important date, admitting when you’re wrong, or agreeing to do something you intended to do anyway, are low-cost, high-yield investments.
Responsible Distance Taking
In contrast to dramatic, abrupt, or unexpected withdrawing, responsible distance taking always includes two elements:
- An explanation: “Here is why I am taking distance right now.”
- A promise of return or a proposed alternative
You don’t simply say, “I don’t want to talk,” you say, “I don’t want to talk right now. Here’s why, and here’s when I can.” Anytime you say no to someone, you are taking distance and should do so responsibly.
Time-outs
When either partner calls a time-out—by saying the word “time-out,” by using the “T” hand signal, or by using any agreed-upon sign—the interaction comes to an immediate stop. The spoken or gestured signal is understood by both partners to be an abbreviation of the following words: “Dear partner, for whatever reason, right or wrong, I am about to lose it. If I stay here and keep this up with you, I am liable to do or say something stupid that I know I’m going to regret. Therefore, I am taking a break to get a grip on myself and calm down. I will check back in with you responsibly.”
The default interval for a time-out is twenty minutes. Checking in does not necessarily mean getting back together. You can check in—either in person or by telephone— and tell your partner that you need more time. With each extension, the time-out interval gets longer. The recommended length between check-ins is:
- Twenty minutes
- One or two hours
- Half a day
- A whole day
Click here for a more complete description: the Ten Commandments of Time-Outs in Relationship
Feedback Wheel: Speaker
A. Contract with your partner to do the process; don’t just dump.
B. Remember love.
C. Use the four steps of the feedback wheel:
What I saw or heard
What I made up about it
How I feel about it
What I’d like
Feedback Wheel: Listener: Listening to understand
Remember, the speaker role and the listener role are two different roles. As the listener, listen. Focus on your partner and not on your rebuttals, explanations, or concerns, either spoken or merely thought. Turn points of contention into points of curiosity.
Feedback Wheel: Listener: Respond with Generosity
Remember that in the repair process, the respondent’s only goal is to help their partner move back into harmony. You are “at their service.” Your response is a two-step process. You:
- Acknowledge all that you can of what your partner has said
- Give all that you can of what your partner has asked for. When responding, lead with agreement, not argument.
Feedback Wheel: Speaker: Helping your partner succeed
Once your partner has responded by acknowledging and giving, you:
- Appreciate what you’ve been offered
- Ask what you might do to help. If your partner describes something you might do differently, it is now your turn to acknowledge and give what you can.
Click here for a step-by-step description of the feedback wheel tool.