Living from a place of relational mindfulness, you want to stop using the Five Losing Strategies. What will you do in place of those moves that don’t work? Here are the Five Winning Strategies!
Advocate for What you Want
Switch from Complaint to Request and make your requests specific, behavioral, and reasonable. Also note that inherent in the nature of a request is the reality that “No” is a possible and acceptable answer.
If it’s necessary – if things are really stuck, dare to rock the boat and stand up for what you want. Of course, if there is a genuine risk of harm from standing up for yourself, be strategic and realistic in your moves.
Speak to Make Things Better
WAIT – Why Am I Talking? Anticipate the impact of your words on the person to whom you are speaking. If what you were about to say would likely make things worse, do not say it.
Listen to Understand
When your partner is speaking, set aside whatever your inner agenda might be, and do your best to accurately hear their experience, their needs, their celebration, or whatever their words are bringing. Let your partner know that you have heard them by repeating back the key elements of what they have shared, maybe starting with, “OK, if I heard you right, ______.”
If your partner is speaking and you are unable to keep yourself present and listen for whatever reason, let them know. Assure them that you are interested in their experience and offer an alternative time when you can be fully available to listen.
Respond with Generosity
“What is it going to cost me and how is it going to benefit me?”
It benefits you for your partner to be happy, peaceful and at ease. As you give your partner more of what they want or need, they will be happier and your home will be happier. “Happy spouse, happy house.” Terry Real calls this “enlightened self-interest.”
So, ask yourself realistically, “What is it going to cost me to give my partner what they want?” And then say yes unless the cost is truly too much.
[If you are in a relationship where it genuinely seems like no matter how generous you are, your partner remains stuck in unhappiness and distress, you might be at a point where it would be beneficial to get some outside help for the couple or at least for you. And if you are getting help and the help is not helping, ask whether it’s time to look for different help.]
Cherish What You Have
Celebrate all that you receive from your partner. Say thank you for the kind, generous and supportive things they do. Particularly appreciate them for the new ways they are attempting to change and meet your needs and requests.
The way to get more of what we want is to celebrate and appreciate what we are already getting. And it’s difficult to enjoy all that we have if our primary focus is on what are missing out on.