One very effective relational tool coming from RLT is the concept of “Core Negative Image” or CNI. If as a couple (or in another trusting relationship) both parties are able to be humble and curious about their own patterns and behaviors and can receive feedback without taking it personally, then CNI work can be a way to move deeper in connection and to really collaborate in moving the relationship to a new level of safety.
What is Core Negative Image?
Your Core Negative Image of your partner is who you think or feel that they are in their worst moments and your worst moments. The CNI is an exaggerated characterization that is based on some combination of your partners actual faults and flaws and on your experiences of relationship harm from your family or origin or other past relationships.
How to find it
Think about the things your partner does – or have done – that have been most upsetting, disturbing, or triggering for you. Connecting with how you feel, in those moments, complete the sentence, “You are such a _________!” Or “I can’t believe I’m in a relationship with you, you are so _________!”
Write down 3 to 5 adjectives that come to mind through this exercise. Here is a small sampling of possible adjectives, but this is nowhere near a complete list.
Selfish
Controlling
Uncaring
Childish
Wimpy
Unavailable
Mean
Distant
Arrogant
Self-centered
Self-righteous
Obsequious
Angry
Irresponsible
Self-important
Stubborn
Fake
Look at yourself as well
After finding adjectives that characterize your CNI of your partner, see if you can imagine what adjectives they would use to characterize you in your worst moments and their worst moments.
Why this is important
Our goal in relationship is Relational Mindfulness which means that we aim to spend most of our time in our Wise Adult state and to notice when we are in an Adaptive Child state and find our way back to the Wise Adult in those moments.
When we are triggered, it is more difficult to get out of the Adaptive Child brain state. If our partner repeatedly does things that trigger us, (even if those things are actually benign and our response is all about us and not really about them at all), still that makes it all the more difficult for us to successfully practice Relational Mindfulness.
Similarly, if we do things that trigger our partner, it makes their nervous system that much more difficult to navigate.
So as an act of generosity to my partner, I would like to engage in fewer behaviors that trigger their “CNI” of me, and I would like to engage in more behaviors that disprove that “CNI” story. These can be referred to as “CNI-confirming” and “CNI-busting” behaviors.
What are these CNI-confirming and CNI-busting behaviors?
Once you have listed 3 to 5 adjectives that characterize your CNI of your partner, make a list of their CNI-confirming behaviors, those behaviors that tend to trigger you into that CNI state, behaviors that cause you to feel like they are “just such a ____.” Then make a list of their CNI-busting behaviors, either things that they already do, or that they could start doing, that would be so unlike that CNI picture so as to disprove the CNI to your nervous system.
After listing a few key CNI-confirming and CNI-busting behaviors for your partner, imagine what you think your partner might identify as CNI-confirming and CNI-busting behaviors for you.
How do we use this in practice?
Exchange your lists with your partner. Compare your guesses to what they actually wrote. Take your partner’s list of CNI-confirming and CNI-busting behaviors and use that as a road map. Explore how you can increase CNI-busting behaviors and decrease CNI-confirming behaviors as an act of generosity toward your partner. And when they do the same for you, let them know that you noticed! Express appreciation for your partner’s CNI-busting behaviors, and for decreasing CNI-confirming behaviors. Notice that your partner cares enough about your experience to shift the way they operate for the sake of your subjective experiences of comfort and safety.