The Feedback Wheel, created by Terry Real and based on the work of Pia Mellody and Janet Hurley, is a connection and communication tool to navigate repair when there has been a relationship rupture. This can be a very effective tool that can shorten periods of disconnection and can help build trust within the relationship, if each partner is able and willing to hear and consider their partner’s experience.
Note that the process of using the feedback wheel is not a process of objective reality, it is a process in which the listener allows themself to hear and understand the subjective reality of their partner.
Speaker
Contract with your partner to do the process. First, check to see if you are in the place of your wise adult, in a brain state centered in your pre-frontal cortex. If you are not sure, check this list of the characteristics of the wise adult and the characteristics of the adaptive child. If you have determined that you are in a wise adult state, then ask your partner if this is a good time to do a feedback wheel.
Listener
Now it is your turn to check to see if you are in your wise adult. If you are not in a wise adult state or if doing the feedback wheel now is likely to be triggering, destabilizing, or just “too much” for any reason, then let your partner know when would be a good time, or let them know when you will be able to schedule a time to hear their wheel.
Speaker
If this is an ok time, take a deep breath and Remember Love. Remember that you are speaking to someone you love and that the reason you are speaking is to make things better, to support connection, safety and trust between the two of you.
Prepare to share the four steps of the feedback wheel with your partner. Note that some people find it helpful to write down the content for the four steps before approaching their partner.
Listener
Before your partner starts to share with you, remember that your role – for now – is to set aside your feelings, your agendas, and your interpretations of reality. Your role as your partner speaks is to put yourself in their shoes and to understand their experience from their point of view, the best you can. Focus on your partner and not on your rebuttals, explanations, or concerns, either spoken or merely thought. Turn points of contention into points of curiosity.
Speaker
Share with your partner the four steps of the feedback wheel, no more than two sentences per step.
What I saw or heard – what a video camera might have recorded – about ONE event only. No interpretation, just factual data about what happened.
What I made up about it – or “The story I told myself about you when you did this…” Your interpretation of what happened and what it meant to you.
How I feel (or felt) about it – feeling words only, not “I felt like you…”
What I’d like – one or more specific reasonable relational requests that are deliverable and actionable in the moment, to facilitate the experience of repair.
[For example: “You arrived at our date an hour later than the time we agreed on and you had not called or texted. I made up that you just don’t care about me or how I feel. I felt confused, sad, and angry. My request is that you tell me honestly how important I am (or am not) to you and that you agree to make a plan to not be late like that in the future.”]
Listener
Repeat back the four steps. You might start by saying, “Here is what I heard you say.” In repeating back what your partner said, you are not agreeing with or endorsing their experience of reality. You are letting know that you hear and understand their experience. You might end by saying, “Did I get that right?”
Speaker
Good enough is good enough. The repeating back does not have to be word for word. However, if the Listener missed or mis-stated an important point or added something (not minor) that you did not say, gently restate that part of what you said. You might start with, “A lot of that was right on target, but there’s one thing you missed,” or something similar. You are not judging your partner’s listening, you are supporting them to hear you accurately.
Listener
If your partner corrects any portion of the content, repeat that part again, seeking to reflect the points they have repeated or clarified. Again, you might ask, “Did I get that right?”
Speaker
Once the Listener has repeated back what you said closely enough, say, “Yes, thank you!”
Listener
You now have the opportunity to respond with generosity.
First, acknowledge what you can of what your partner has said. You might say, “Yes, I did that, just like you said.” However, do not acknowledge anything that you factually disagree with. You might say, “I don’t remember it exactly that way, but here are the parts I can acknowledge.” Do not open a debate about what happened.
Second, give all that you can of what your partner has asked for. Let them know any elements of their request that you can agree to meet. If there are parts you can’t or won’t do, you don’t have to mention those parts. Tell them sincerely what you do agree to offer to them.
Speaker
Once your partner has responded by acknowledging and giving, thank you partner for what they have offered.
Ask how you can help. “Is there anything I can do for you that will help you to give me what I have asked of you?”
Listener
Check inside to see if there is something the speaker could do that would help you succeed in meeting the request you have agreed to. If you think of something, share it with them. Do not use this moment to make an unrelated request.
Speaker
.If your partner describes something you might do that would help them, it is now your turn to acknowledge and give what you can.
Listener
At this point, the feedback wheel process is complete. This is not an opportune time for you to counter with, “I also have a feedback wheel for you.” A feedback wheel is a one-way street. Wait at least a few hours before inviting the speaker to hear your feedback wheel.
Both
If you find that you are consistently unable to work through this process without distress or reactivity on the part of one or both partners, then you may want to enlist the support of a counselor, pastor, therapist or coach to support your relationship journey.