“Let me tell you about you”

“Let me tell you about you”

Just because something is true about someone doesn’t mean that hearing it will be helpful to them.

The result of developmental trauma is that we are hiding lots of (true) things from ourselves about ourselves. We do want to become aware of those things, but at a tolerable pace, not all at once. And we want to learn them in a gentle way, not dumped in our lap.

So just because YOU can see that I am actually defensive as #%*& doesn’t mean that it’s going to help my healing process for you to point out to me that I am being defensive.

Let’s have the intention to be aware of what the other person is experiencing and to be curious about whether what we want to share is supportive of their stability and growth. This can be difficult, when something is SO CLEAR to us.

Of course, this also means that sometimes when I feel strongly that someone else’s criticism of me is inaccurate, it might be that they are on point and I can’t afford to know that about myself yet.

Humility, Curiosity, Respect, Gratitude.

Structure or Scaffolding

Here’s one way I describe living with and working with the results of developmental trauma.

When some of our core needs went unmet, we had to hide from ourselves various needs, feelings, and difficult emotions.

Also due to core needs going unmet, we failed to develop some key skills for navigating both inner and outer situations.

We built a structure or scaffolding inside our bodymind to help with these two challenges.

The scaffolding is designed to ensure that the hidden needs and feelings remain hidden and to work around the missing skills. As a side effect, this structure also limits and restricts our thoughts, feelings and actions.

In our healing journey, we ultimately want to deconstruct the existing structure and replace it with a structure that allows for more freedom and flexibility.

But that can’t happen quickly because this structure is serving a critical function.

We have to shift this whole thing gently, bit by bit.

Any movement can potentially shift this inner structure. Any positive or negative shift in our experience or circumstances can cause some part of this infrastructure to no longer work in just the same way, and that can lead to new or unexpected emotional and physical symptoms.

Our intention is to make small shifts, creating openings, spaciousness, and new possibilities. If the work is optimally titrated, we get some incremental relief, growth and change that we can build on over time. But because our systems are so sensitive, any movement can potentially spark an inner backlash. When there’s more space, something in us can cry out, “More space is dangerous! Shut it down!”

Our work becomes trial and error, to find the ways to create just a little movement, just a little space, titrated so that there is hopefully no backlash, or if there is backlash, it’s small enough to manage. Because this is art, not science, we won’t get it exactly right every time. When there is a backlash, or if things don’t seem to be moving at all, we can gently get curious about that. We can explore what came up and we can also adjust how we work in the future to go slower or faster or be more intentional about connecting with resource and breath.

Childhood

I’m willing to acknowledge that the events of my early life were more difficult and painful than I’ve let myself know or feel.

And I’m not in a hurry to feel all that fear and pain right now.

I respect my body moving slowly, bit by bit feeling, knowing, sensing, remembering, integrating. Taking plenty of time to connect with each thing that arises in this body wanting to be seen and felt.

What I do want now is to soften around the whole thing. I don’t have to defend or explain myself. Or my parents. Or my story.

It’s ok that I am who I am. It’s ok that I am how I am.

It’s ok that it has taken a long time to unravel my emotions,

my body, and my story to get to this point. It’s ok that it will take more time to get to the level of freedom I’m looking for.

I am grateful for the progress, for more breath, less constriction, more permission to be me.

I invite my body right now to soften into that. And that softening, in each moment, is a movement toward that freedom.

Bringing Compassion to the Recurrence of Old Patterns

Bringing Compassion to the Recurrence of Old Patterns

Try filling in the blanks and saying this to yourself:

“Due to the stress and demands of __________(situation), it seems that I have forgotten or lost contact with __________(resources or progress) and that I have reverted to an old pattern of __________(old pattern that had improved before).

It makes sense that in the face of this stress, my body would reach for an old source of comfort or safety.

I forgive myself for this perceived regression.

I offer compassion to the places in me that feel afraid and unsafe.

I slow down, I breathe, I soften, and I intentionally reach out or drop down to connect with __________(resources).

With gentleness and kindness, I allow myself time and space to soften, connect, and integrate.”

Mine:  “Due to the stress and demands of illness and reduced income, it seems that I have forgotten or lost contact with the soft sweet knowing that I am deeply loved and safe and that I have reverted to an old pattern of constriction, disconnection and alarm.

It makes sense that in the face of this stress, my body would reach for an old source of comfort or safety. I forgive myself for this perceived regression. I offer compassion to the places in me that feel afraid and unsafe. 

I slow down, I breathe, I soften, and I intentionally reach out or drop down to connect with softness, tenderness, spaciousness and the remembrance that I am deeply loved.

With gentleness and kindness, I allow myself time and space to soften, connect, and integrate.”

Titrating Physical Constriction

Titrating Physical Constriction

Here’s something specific to try in working with constriction in the body. This is an exercise in titration that can sometimes bring important somatic insights.

Feel the physical constriction in your body, make a posture that holds the constriction. This could be clenched fists or head down/shoulders in or knees pulled in or whatever posture your body might make that holds the constriction.

Throughout this, be aware of some flavor of safety, support, and connection – could be with the Earth or with community or with particular people or beings or animals.

Now try adjusting the physical posture so that it’s just the tiniest bit MORE constricted. Just 1-2% more. Notice what happens when you do that.

There might be some sense of relief, a sense of more protection or safety (from something). Or there might be some sense of greater discomfort, feeling trapped and constrained. Or there might be some of each.

Take some time to notice what’s present in you.

Now try the opposite. Adjust the posture so it’s just the tiniest bit LESS constricted. Notice whatever there is to notice. Again there might be relief, a sense of more space or freedom, or there might be a sense of threat from being exposed or something like that. Or there might be some of each.

Keep it slow, just notice, and gently make space for whatever shows up.

Then let go of the posture altogether, let your body choose how to be, and take some time to just be with whatever has shown up or moved around in you.

Inward

When you have challenges relating to other humans that cause intense emotional reactions in you, one important key to making progress is to work gently within yourself.

Focus on your own experience of the relationship challenge, connecting with whatever resource and support you are able to comfortably connect with, inside and outside yourself.

Let yourself be aware of your body and energy with curiosity, without diving deep into any places of discomfort.

And in that place of some connection with support and some connection with your body, from a place of relative calm and neutrality, you might invite yourself to become aware of anything you need to know or notice. And gently be with what comes.

Your struggles in connecting with others may hold important clues for you and may provide the key to working inside yourself. But we identify those important clues through maintaining some neutral distance from the struggles and letting our curiosity

invite to our attention just what is relevant or useful in the moment, through insight rather than through urgency.

Repercussions

When we are healing developmental trauma, we don’t have to specifically and accurately identify every way that our body-mind-life isn’t working, and then find the right way to address each thing that we find.

When our sense of self became highly disorganized as a young child, there were repercussions all throughout our system. And as we do the healing work of curiosity, compassion, acceptance, forgiveness, and making contact with both difficult feelings and life force, the repercussions of healing spread throughout our bodies and systems as well.

Things that were not working start to work better, even if we never even noticed that specific thing as something that was wrong.

Pause

Pause.

Feel your feet.

Feel your feet on the Earth, or sense the Earth under you wherever you are.

Pause.

Notice your breath.

Feel your hands, arms and shoulders.

Pause.

Notice your breath.

Feel your sternum and be aware of your heart beating.

Pause.

Breathe.

Notice.

We are not solo warriors

We are not solo warriors

It’s not my job to figure it all out.

It’s my job to relax and surrender and to let my body realize that I’m loved and I’m safe, held by beings and forces greater than myself.

It’s my job to be open to wisdom, intuition and insight, which might come from inside of me, from Spirit, or from others.

Trust, surrender, humility, curiosity, breath.

Sincerity, not Perfection

Sincerity, not Perfection

In conveying your needs and setting boundaries, you do not have to communicate in an exquisitely perfect way that causes zero discomfort to the person you are communicating with.

Stay connected to care and compassion, be humble and open to learning about personal and cultural triggers and adjusting accordingly.

And with sincerity and humility on board, still it is not possible to be in the world in a way that causes or triggers zero discomfort for other humans. Breathe, communicate, be less than perfect.